A Rock Concert Bestiary

When I wore a younger man's clothes, I went to a lot of shows. I still go to a lot of shows, come to think of it, but the difference is that now I know how to take care of myself. And because I believe that children are our future, I am sharing some of my collected observations about rock shows and the kinds of people to avoid at them.

1. Frat Guy
Identification and Classic Behaviors: Frat guy is probably the easiest beast to spot, but that doesn't make him less dangerous. He wears a backwards khaki hat with a frayed brim, a t-shirt with some kind of logo on it, and a constant asshat grin. He also smells like somebody spilled a bottle of Axe body spray on the floor of a dive bar men's room. He will scream "PLAY FREEBIRD" every time there is a pause in the music. If you are male, he will put his arm around you and call you his Best Bra and ask you if you remember how drunk you guys were the last time you saw O.A.R. together and how fuckin' epic that was. If you are female, he'll just go after your bra.
Survival Tactics: If you're male: just say yeah, dude, it was totally epic. Don't bother telling him you've never met him or that you hate O.A.R. or that this is actually a Lucinda Williams concert. If you're female: Vulcan Crotch Kick.

2. Drunk Girl
Identification and Classic Behaviors: Drunk Girl never comes to shows alone, which is worse because she travels in packs with other Drunk Girls. She will almost certainly spill beer on you, a tendency which is compounded by her propensity to dance arhythmically the whole fucking time, even when there is no music playing, even in a dense crowd. She will inevitably get emotional during one of the songs and call her ex and attempt to hash out their relationship in the middle of the show, and will sob out-of-time with the rhythm of whatever the band is playing.
Survival Tactics: Be gruff and cruel. Under no circumstances should you interact with her.

3. Scenester
Identification and Classic Behaviors: Posture is a dead giveaway. Scenesters always stand stock-still with their arms crossed over their chests. If they really approve, they'll bob their heads in time to the music.
Survival Tactics:Make a point of visibly enjoying the show. That way you both get to feel superior to each other.

4. Hipster Granddad
Identification and Classic Behaviors: Gray hair, perfectly pressed t-shirt tucked into perfectly pressed jeans with a perfectly pressed flannel shirt over top (or tied around his waist.) Incapable of comprehending the concept of general admission--will impose his personal space upon you.
Survival Tactics: Eye contact guarantees at least half an hour of blather about the time he took off work and followed the Eagles' third farewell tour to three cities. Only risk this if you think he might buy you beer.

5. Rock Snob
Identification and Classic Behaviors: Can be distinguished from Scenester by lack of personal hygiene.
Survival Tactics: Three little words: "Taste is subjective." Rock snobs respond to this the way vampires do when you hold a cross up in front of them. If you're more cruel, make utterly absurd claims ("In 1993, I had a three-way with Stephen Malkmus and PJ Harvey, and the next day he recorded Slanted and Enchanted.") because Rock Snob will have to top them.

6. Frontline Groupie
Identification and Classic Behaviors:Dressed for niteclub, not rock show. Will flirt with you to jockey for crowd position. Can sometimes overlap with Drunk Girl, and if so will sometimes disrobe mid-show. Occasionally given to absurd premeditation: a buddy of mine who plays guitar says one time somebody threw a bra on stage at him with a tennis ball tied to it.
Survival Tactics: Stand your ground and glare.

7. Stoner Dude
Identification and Classic Behaviors:Anecdote: I stood next to a cluster of Stoner Dudes when I saw Radiohead at Alpine Valley in 2003. They had a high old time discreetly passing joints between themselves during the main set. After the first encore, they tried to leave, but the crowd was still calling for another encore. So when the band came back on stage (and played "You And Whose Army?"), this one kid kept saying "Dude, that was so fucking awesome" and his friend kept saying, "They're back on stage, man!" It was like eavesdropping on a conversation between Altzheimer patients.
Survival Tactics: Avoid accidentally getting burned. If you're bold, ask to bum. (Note: this only works at jam-band shows.)

8. Purist
Identification and Classic Behaviors: Purists don't go to shows to be entertained or to have a good time. They go to shows to have an Experience. Purists tend to be older males who were There When It First Went Down, man, though you will find them among the younger generation, too. You can identify a Purist by the way he makes loud critical judgments all throughout the show, usig words like "real" and "transcendent." If the band is still cutting new records, you can bank on Purist hating whatever album they're touring to promote. He thinks they Sold Out. He always thinks they Sold Out.
Survival Tactics: Move. He's too far gone to be saved, and he'll just ruin your night if you listen to him.